A minute inside my head

17 Dec

A minute inside my head… not an exaggeration. This could be an excerpt of most any day at work. This is a hard post for me, but maybe it will help someone else see they’re not the only one with thoughts like these.

What was I doing? Oh yeah, looking at the data. So what’s interesting about this data? Where’s the baby? Was that the baby? Did the baby fall? What if the baby fell? What would I do? If he fell off the balcony of our stairs, would I jump after him? Any chance he’d survive a fall like that? Probably not. Then I would definitely jump. Did the baby fall? Images suddenly flash through my head of me getting cut by knives, or I cut myself while cooking. These images are disturbing, to say the least. They jolt me away from the images of my baby falling off the balcony. But then I have to bite my tongue or cheek or hit my foot against something hard to break away from the knife scenarios. What was I doing? Oh yeah, writing a manuscript. No, looking at the data. Right. So what’s interesting about this data? My god, I can’t concentrate on anything. I’m so going to lose my job. It’s not even that I don’t want to work, I can’t. I can’t do anything. What is wrong with me? I’m making a list of everything I have to do. The 15th version of this list. But I’m sure it has changed since the last time. Or maybe it hasn’t but I don’t have it with me so I need to make another one. Where’s my pen? I don’t have paper either? Damn. I forgot to pump. I’ll never get into the lactation room now. Why did they have to start a schedule for the room? What makes them so special that they need a schedule? Heart racing now from anger. I hate them. I do. No, I don’t. I don’t really hate anyone because I’d just be asking to be struck down by the universe. Maybe that would be better, anyways. Did I say that out loud? Geez, I might have. Could anyone hear me? Is my cellphone locked? Did I accidently call someone and they can hear everything right now? Where’s the baby? I wonder if he has eaten anything today? Is he crying? I swear I hear him crying. What was I doing? Oh yeah, looking at the data…


One Response to “A minute inside my head”


  1. You’ve come a long way, baby « The Vaca Loca - April 30, 2011

    […] A minute inside my head — the painful record that played in my head 24/7 […]

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