Bumbling idiot

13 Jan

At the doc’s request, I upped one of my meds. I can’t tell much of a difference in mood, but I’m a bumbling, forgetful, idiot on it. I drive down the road and my sig-o keeps telling me I missed the turn and asking me, “where are you going?”  This is coming from the most directionally challenged human I know. But I don’t know how to answer him…I’m just driving. I’m constantly forgetting what I’m doing, leave everything half-done, and go around in a bit of a daze. Now, this would 1) never be me normally, and 2) would drive me batty if it were. But I could care less. Until I really sit down and reflect on it, that is. I mean, I feel like a butterfly flitting around from place to place with no direction and no boundaries and no cares. Except I do. The baby. Zoning out just isn’t an option. And then there’s the blankness inside. Something happens that is bad or bothers me and even though in my head I can say, “That upsets me” or whatever, I don’t really feel it. Or if I do, it’s fleeting. Combine that with the forgetfulness and you have a bumbling idiot to doesn’t give a poo about anything. I mean, I almost feel myself laughing about stuff way down deep…which is where I keep it because it would be so inappropriate to laugh out loud. Now that feels crazy. So we adjusted the meds once again, reducing that one again and upping another. Hoping that helps some when it all levels out. Until then, I’ll just keep bumbling.

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