Another peek inside my head

26 Jan

Last week I posted about “transition me,” the right-now me that’s wedged between shedding the old and piecing together the new. A recent reader’s comment about ledges (What tipped the scales?) made me realize just how far I’ve already come in such a short while.

So here’s my ledge update: I no longer lust. I do, however, find myself tip-toeing around them. Not because I feel the gravitational pull I did only mere weeks ago, but out of … respect … for their potential. Sounds odd, I know. It’s not fear, but rather a keen sense of what (so easily) could have been.

So what is going on in my transition me head?

  • There’s anxiety. Mainly for good reasons though. Major life changes, so anxiety is par.
  • There’s some obsession. I’m still obsessing some about all the bad things that could happen to the baby — falling off a balcony, rolling down the stairs (what a minute, he already did that!), getting burned in the kitchen while I’m cooking (this is a newer one), being in a car wreck (this is an old one resurfaced) — but they send me into panic attacks less and less.
  • There is still some cutting. I still have random flashes of me getting cut by all kinds of sharp things. And when I have flashes of the baby getting hurt, it’s worse. Like I’m trying to interrupt and stifle those thoughts and images by inflicting harm on myself, though just in my head.
  • There’s some avoidance. I really, really don’t want to deal with my short term disability and some related leave issues for work. So I haven’t. Which is bad and only getting worse by the day, but I just can’t bring myself to deal with it for some reason. Maybe it will be easier once I decide once and for all what I’m going to tell my bosses…if I’m coming back or not. The fact that I can’t deal with any of it is probably a good indicator that I’m not ready to be back at work.
  • There’s a hint of libido. Nuff said.
  • There’s forgetfulness. Still forgetting to do things, where I’m going when driving, and conversations I’ve had. Forgot an appointment today with my therapist. Forgot a class I had signed up for. This is really, really not like me. But I’m not even that worried about it because…
  • There’s still a vacantness. I’m starting to get used to it now. I feel more nonchalant than I think I have in my entire life. It’s not apathy, but a recognition of the fact that “there’s nothing I can do about it now so why worry about it and in the grand scheme of things how much does it really matter anyways?” The problem with this is that nearly everything is on the same level. Missed an appointment? Whatever. Didn’t give the baby a bath again today? He’ll live. Co-worker still missing in Haiti? Bummer. And this last one really bothers me. Both in my head and heart I feel for her and her family, yet I can’t fully feel the pain I know is there. Maybe that’s a good thing. Maybe it’s more than I could handle right now. But it sure makes me feel like an insensitive jerk.
  • There is some joy. Thought I’d end on a happier note. There actually is some joy. Watching z-baby take those first wobbly steps is sometimes more than I can take. And I as find my way through this muck, I feel stronger and more and more proud of myself. Some days still suck (that’s why I didn’t post yesterday). But some don’t. And for now, that’s joy enough.
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