It’s a love-hate thing

28 Feb

Everything I do these days seems to be a big undertaking. Even the simplest of things are energy drainers and I have to psych myself up to do them. It’s really frustrating, and it only gets worse when I see how effortless sig-o seems to do things, including parenting. I love him, but sometimes I wanna hate him, too. Whenever he comes home, the baby just lights up and gets all giddy. Crankiness? Forgotten. Sleepiness? Not this baby. Papi is home and everything is a-ok. Sometimes I’m sure the baby is thinking, “Thank god, the sane one is finally home!” I, on the other hand, am convinced I don’t get the same reception, unless he needs quick access to the ta-tas.

I should be thankful that I have a super-dad as a sig-o. And I am. But I think I’m jealous, too. And jealousy is ugly…not something I want to feel. But I wish so much that I could just do what he does the way he does them without all the angst. I find myself just watching it all in awe sometimes, and in these moments I couldn’t love sig-o more. So why can’t I just leave it at that?

I’m back in my routine craze again. I feel like if I could just get a routine down every day, I’d be ok. I’d know what to do and when, instead of finding myself in moments when I’m at a loss and saying, “Now what?” But I just can’t seem to make it happen. I’ve decided that postpartum depression is just a big f’ing sucker — it sucks out all my energy, all my confidence, all my will. Well, almost all. Big fat mother sucker.

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One Response to “It’s a love-hate thing”

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. You’ve come a long way, baby « The Vaca Loca - April 30, 2011

    […] It’s a love-hate thing — watching sig-o parent through the lens of PPD […]

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