Flu + no meds = sad mama

9 Mar

Last week little z-baby starting throwing up one afternoon and didn’t stop. It was a two-way kind of flu thing and I started to worry. Just as sig-o got home from work and we were contemplating a trip to the doctor, my tummy started to rumble, too. And then it got ugly. Z-baby settled down and drifted off to sleep and kept nursing off and on a little here and there. I spent the night in the bathroom shaking and puking. I think the nursing was good for z-baby and helped him bounce back quickly, but made it worse for me because I couldn’t stay hydrated as it was.¬†The next day he was ready to play and acted like nothing had happened. I was still trying to peel myself off the bathroom floor and fight a fever the whole next day weekend. Suffice it to say, it was an ugly couple of days.

The worst part, however, is that I couldn’t keep my meds down. So I’ve been without them for 4 or 5 days… I can’t actually remember. And I had missed a day or maybe two the week before. I’m a bad, bad patient. Non-compliant, they would say. But really I didn’t mean to… it just snowballed. And now I feel like shit. The kind I’ve been fighting for the past 5 days. I’m anxious, antsy, can’t concentrate, worried about all kinds of crazy scenarios again, the knife images are back in full-force, the air feels crushing…

Am I back at square freaking one again? Really? Because if I’m not, it sure feels like it. I had some bad days here and there, but this is worse. Now I’m kicking myself for not having tried harder, whatever that could have meant when I was as sick as I was. I guess the good news in it all is that I recognize how bad I’m feeling…not that I didn’t know I felt bad before, but maybe not to the degree I felt. And I know I don’t have to feel that way… Hoping it’s just a matter a time before the meds even me out again. Funny thing is (ok, not so funny), was that I had had a really good week last week and was thinking, “Maybe I won’t have to be on these meds much longer…” Uh, maybe the flu was the universe’s way of telling me, “Not so fast, missy!”

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