I want to believe…

16 Mar

What can I say?  It’s been a rough week and I just haven’t been able to post anything. I’m still trying to bounce back from a lack of meds in my system, which hasn’t been so easy. And stress has been HIGH as we try to figure out just what we’re doing with our lives. I was thinking today how I lately seem to have these moments of clarity (it’s either clarity or …well, I’m not sure what) and I see the world around me and I’m struck by how much it sucks. I know, quite the pessimist today. I do have moments when I find beauty in the most simple of things…but not often. And recently I haven’t seen any of that beyond z-baby’s face. But since he cut his two top teeth and has been into biting the shit out of me when he nurses, well, sometimes it’s hard to see the beauty there, too.

I worked my butt off last week trying to get the house ready (and sig-o did pitch in) to have a realtor come in and take a look and talk with us. Long story but basically, we can’t sell our house because we’d lose too much money in today’s market. So we’re trying to rent it now. Sig-o had another job interview and I nearly quit work altogether last week. We think the interview went ok but are waiting to hear something back. It’s all just way too overwhelming for me right now…some days I think I can’t deal with it anymore. Hence, my view that life is hard and it sucks and I don’t know what I’m doing and maybe this is just what being an adult is all about or maybe it’s what being an adult with postpartum depression is all about or I don’t even know what anymore.

I know, I know…I should have some faith, right? But I’m too blah-ed out to even focus on faith right now, to talk with the universe, to believe that everything will be ok. I keep asking sig-o to tell me that everything will be all right and I want to believe… I really, really do.


2 Responses to “I want to believe…”

  1. Kimberly March 17, 2010 at 6:30 am #

    I am so sorry that you are feeling so badly right now. I know how it feels to feel so pesimistic about everything and to not see the good in anything which makes daily life very miserable…almost intolerable.
    You are dealing with some extremely stressful situations right now which can very well be intensifying your PPD symptoms. Are you seeing a medical professional through this tough time?
    I know it is so hard to believe that things will get better but the truth is that things WILL get better. There are so many women out there who have struggled with PPD who can tell you that. I hung on to that thought tooth and nail…even though I thought it was full of shit.
    You will find the good in things again. I promise you that. If you need to talk let me know ok? You’re not alone in this.

    • danygrl March 21, 2010 at 7:21 pm #

      Thanks, I really appreciate your note. It helps to know I will feel better soon(er or later), and to be able to read blogs like yours. Here’s to kicking and fighting our way back! 🙂

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