I’m in here… somewhere

21 Apr

We spent this past weekend with my mom. Or I should say that sig-o and I sat on the sidelines while the grandparents played with the baby all weekend long. During our stay I noticed that the baby laughed so much more with them than when he’s with me. Is it a grandparent thing? A mom is good for milk but otherwise boring kind of thing? Or is it the postpartum depression?

See, that’s the cruel and frustrating thing (ok, one of many) about postpartum depression and anxiety…you have an altered sense of reality. At least I do. It’s hard to distinguish between normal anxiety and what can be attributed to the other. I don’t see the lines at all so I end up feeling like no cause for anxiety is normal, which can’t possibly be the case.

And take the example above. Would I even care about it if I didn’t have PPD/anxiety? Would I be  a different parent without it? Without question, yes! Of course I’d be a different parent. Maybe one that can make their kid cackle until they almost puke. As a new mom, it’s infuriating to know that the real you, the real parent, is in there somewhere…and we’re basically just biding time until we find them again. Again, the cruelty of PPD knows no bounds. So what happens to that “lost” time. We live it. Day by day, minute by minute, and try to squeeze out every grin and chuckle that we can.

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4 Responses to “I’m in here… somewhere”

  1. The Muser April 25, 2010 at 11:58 am #

    Hi there! I just found your blog. I struggled through ppd as well. I’ve been recovered for a couple of years, but I still remember those early days so well and that feeling of lost time and wondering when we’ll be back to ourselves…It does happen! It does get better. I’ll be thinking of you and sending lots of peace and love your way…

    Also, I write a weekly round-up each week featuring blogs dealing with ppd in the hopes that people who would like online support can find one another. I’m featuring your blog this week.

    • danygrl April 26, 2010 at 8:03 pm #

      Thank you so much for your note and for spotlighting my blog this week — a major pick-me-up in the moving chaos! It means so much to know that it gets better for moms. Thanks again!

  2. Lynda Otvos April 26, 2010 at 2:35 am #

    yes, you are in there and you will make it out. It may not look like it to you but I am certain time will help and you will grow to be confident and fun mommy too. It took month before I understood how my mind was acting-it’s Not. Your. Fault.

    You are doing right by exposing your precious young baby to other family members. Let them model for you and it will become much easier after a while.

    • danygrl April 26, 2010 at 8:04 pm #

      Thank you. I don’t think we can hear that enough (that it’s not our fault). It just seems to make sense to feel like it is when my brain is working like it is. Thanks for the support!

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