Ready or not?

31 Jul

When sig-o and I started talking about having a baby, we knew we wanted to — we just didn’t know when. So we waited. In fact, we waited 7 years. Then the miscarriage happened and our world shattered. It took us nearly two years t0 pick up the pieces and decide to try again. We set a date. And before that date rolled around (and while still on birth control!), I got pregnant with z-baby. Things were good, and then the postpartum depression/anxiety/OCD set in. It has been 8 months now since I first got help and I’ve been feeling really good lately. So good that we’ve been talking about trying to get pregnant again.

Sig-o is ready. I, however, have pretty mixed feelings about the whole thing. We’re in the window we had originally set to try for a second to get the spacing we wanted (between 2 and 3 years). And there are days when I feel like I can handle the pregnancy, morning sickness and all (with a little help from Zofran, that is). But then there’s part of me that wonders what the hell I would do if I had to go on bedrest again. How would I care for z-baby? And then there are days I’m convinced there’s no way on earth I could possibly care for more than one kid at a time. And then there’s the biggie — what if I get postpartum depression again?

So will I ever be ready again and how do you know if you’re ready to jump in again? The first time, despite trying for a long time, I have to admit that I didn’t really feel totally ready. But I felt more ready than not and decided that was good enough and that we just had to do it.  And maybe that’s the feeling I’m going for this time, too. Perhaps not feeling 100% ready is a good sign… an awareness and acknowledgement of just how much work is involved. So maybe it will be time again when I have more days when I feel like I can handle it all than days when the idea feels totally overwhelming. I don’t have all the answers yet, but I guess we could figure them out along the way just like we did this time. As far as the postpartum depression goes…I feel more prepared and more supported than I did before and I know that it’s survivable. That in itself it important.

So am I ready for another go at parenthood? Maybe not just yet, but I’m getting pretty close…


3 Responses to “Ready or not?”

  1. The Muser August 1, 2010 at 10:13 am #

    Wow. I can so relate. I really want another, and feel so much more ready…but but but…so many fears and questions.

  2. Carrie August 1, 2010 at 8:50 pm #

    I had a nervous breakdown when my first born was about 8 months old. I didn’t feel ready to try for another baby until she was 2.5 years old. And what made me feel ready was that my husband had to have emergency gallbladder removal. Him being in the hospital, in surgery, reminded me that life is short and you never know what will happen. So don’t waste time….don’t put off doing what your heart wants.
    And by that time I had had almost 2 years of being in therapy, on meds, in recovery. And I knew I wanted another child at some point.

    I was scared, especially of being medicated while pregnant, but it took us awhile. I was newly pregnant with my middle son when my daughter turned 3.

    I now have 3 kids, and I was scared about having each one but for different reasons. With my first, it was “What do I do with a baby? Any baby?” With my 2nd, it was “How will I handle 2? Will my baby have problems due to my Lexapro use? Will I go bonkers after he’s born?” With my 3rd (our surprise), it was “How will I handle 3 kids? How will the almost 2-year-old cope with being a middle child? ”

    I think feeling scared and having kids go hand in hand, no matter if you have a mood disorder or not.

    • danygrl August 5, 2010 at 4:00 pm #

      Thanks for the reassurance, Carrie, and the reminder that you just gotta jump in and live life and not let this ppd totally run your life forever. Perspective always helps, and I appreciate yours. I feel closer to ready every day!

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