Tag Archives: depression

An Evolution

7 Aug

I always knew I’d breastfeed. But when I set out to nurse, I think I saw breastfeeding as a static, uniform thing — you did it or you didn’t, and for those who did, it was just all the same. As a new parent, it was both enlightening and reassuring to discover that’s not true. It is, in fact, extremely nuanced, as individual as the ones doing it. But I also discovered that as soon as you find your footing, things change. Like your baby, breastfeeding and the breastfeeding relationship is a living, ever-changing creature.

So in honor of World Breastfeeding Week, I’m sharing with you the evolution of my breastfeeding experience… two and half years of the ups, downs, tears, joys, and mundane of nourishing my little one (and myself) in the process.


Pre-birth – I suppose this started years ago when I watched my step mother nurse twins for 18 months. I’d never seen a baby breastfeed before and this seemed revolutionary to me at the time (at 15). Closer to time for z-baby’s birth, though, I took a breastfeeding class at work and attended some lunchtime discussions at work for nursing moms (led by a lactation consultant). A few days before I gave birth I started getting nervous and watched every video I could find from Dr. Jack Newman. I watched healthy newborn latches over and over and over…

Birth – Let’s just say it didn’t go as planned. I wanted to nurse right away but z-baby was in a transition nursery for over 6 hours. When I did get him, we started right away and he latched — but not a great one. I had already asked for a lactation consultant and we saw them three times before we left the hospital. Z-baby was a sleeper… he wanted to eat, but he wanted to sleep even more. So my most vivid memory of those days was stripping him down each and every time he needed to eat (so he didn’t feel too cozy) and gently nudging him awake throughout every feed. Z-baby’s papi took this very seriously, like his personal mission those first few days.

Month 1 – My milk came in quickly and plentiful and z-baby was a great eater. I loved nursing, but it was soooooo painful. But not in the way I could have imagined. I had a bit of Carpal Tunnel during the pregnancy, and it kicked into overdrive those few weeks following birth. My hands would freeze up like hooks and I was terrified I’d drop the baby. And my hands didn’t just go numb, they ached and pain shot up through to my elbows. I remember crying through several of those feedings from the pain. My mom or husband would have to either support the baby or my breast or both. It sucked (no pun intended). I couldn’t sit down to nurse without water and a towel because there was so much milk it seemed to get everywhere!
*Nursing equipment was very important: Boppy upstairs, Brest Friend downstairs, multiple towels, nipple cream, pads for the bra, nursing bra.

Months 2-3 – When the painful claw hands went away, nursing became a breeze. I loved it still, and enjoyed every minute of it. Then I had to have my gallbladder taken out and we happily fell into co-sleeping, which made the night-time nursing even better. Z-baby loved nursing and was still in that pre-wiggler phase where he’d pretty much stay put through a whole feeding and was serious about his nursing… no playing for this guy… yet!
*Equipment: We dropped the nipple cream around this time and started trying the pump and bottles. 

Nursing z-baby, 5 weeks

Months 4-9 – I went back to work after 3 months and it was hell. H-E-L-L. Z-baby refused all bottles and reversed cycled. My first day back I had an off-site meeting and tried to pump in the car, only to realize I had no batteries or charger. I got so engorged but survived. I was at a leading public health agency in the country and they had lactation rooms and pumps which were great, but it was still a challenge to find the time during the day to do it and an open time slot in the rooms. I luckily telecommuted several days a weeks and had someone watching the baby in the house, so I could just nurse those days. But on days when I wasn’t home, z-baby waited for me all day and then we nursed all night. I welcomed the nursing, but he would be so hungry that he’d overeat and puke everywhere and I could never keep up with the laundry. We introduced some solids in here but he could care less. Most of this is a blur for me because the postpartum depression set in during this time, though I wasn’t fully aware of it. But I know I worried all day about z-baby not eating and raced home to be with him and only then was I ever at ease. And in those early days of still undiagnosed postpartum depression, it was the nursing that kept me going… alive even.
*Equipment: Pump, pump, pump. And pump some more. Sometime during this time we also stopped using the nursing pillows.

Months 10-14 – I finally started getting treatment for the postpartum depression, and while this was still a very difficult time, it did start to get a little better. Breastfeeding was still the light at the end of the tunnel each and every day. Looking down and seeing z-baby and seeing him relish the time as much as I did left me speechless. Or maybe it was from the biting, I can’t remember. No longer just a wiggler on the couch, he’s a roller during nursing, too. He nurses upside down and sideways, bouncing and swaying. I never knew my nipples were so flexible… I still overproduced and donated gallons (and gallons…) of it to a friend. But I’m finally not gushing every time I go to nurse.
*Equipment: I think I still used nursing pads when at work or separated from z-baby, and the pump, of course.

Months 14-24 – I stopped working, put away the pump, and started staying at home with z-baby full time. Life is goooooooooooooood. Nursing becomes something I do often throughout the day, but no longer think about. Z-baby became vocal about his nursing during this time and asked for it frequently. Nursing in public became both easier and more difficult. Easier because he could just sit in front of me and I could angle away from people… harder because he never stayed in one position and insisted my shirt be ALL the way up to give him total access. I struggled with the decision to wean or not so that I can get pregnant again, but it just never felt right. Z-baby went through lots of ups and downs… times when he needed to nurse a lot (usually growth and developmental spurts and teething) and periods where he didn’t nurse as much. Biting still an off and on issue, and the nipple fiddling started (playing with one while eating off the other). Momma became a serve yourself buffet during this time — z-baby would pull up my shirt and insist on his “deeta” whenever he wanted it.
*Equipment: A chair. That’s it. No pads, towels, creams, pillows, nothing. Oh, and a nursing bra. But I had to be careful somedays because he sees the act of sitting down as an open invitation.

Months 24-30 – Here we are, nursing at 2 1/2 years. Nursing is still an acrobatic act, day and night. We’ve pared it down to going down and waking up from naps and bedtime. He’s starting to respect my wishes some — needing to wait or stop during the night, for example. But he manages which side he wants and the exact position he wants it in. I also have to nurse cars and trains, and he’s even tried to push it up so I can have some, too (such a helper!). He even managed to get chocolate milk out of me one day (that’s a post for another day)!!! He had his first sleepover with grandma (our first night apart!), which was his first night ever that he didn’t nurse. And just very recently did I hit the nursing wall. I’ve finally gotten to the point where I’m ready to wean. I know I’ll miss it, and I can’t imagine motherhood without it (at first at least), but I’m ready. Is he? I don’t think so, and we’re working on potty training so I won’t do anything right away… but we’ll see what the future holds for us.
*Equipment: Nada. Except for the darn bra! There are times when he needs a quick comfort session of about 3 seconds and I don’t even sit anymore… just bend over.


Two and half years of breastfeeding. No cracked nipples, plugged ducts, or mastisis. A little bit of yeast once. Overproduction and numb hands. Gallons of milk in my freezer. Lugging the pump to work and z-baby on a week-long business trip. Surgery and anesthesia. Postpartum depression and medication. Nursing pads, pillows, and towels. Reverse cycling and cosleeping. Nursing in bed, on the couch, at the table, typing, writing, on the phone, in the car, in public, in therapy, on planes, in meetings, standing up, sitting down, bending over. Two and half years. And I wouldn’t trade a single minute of it for anything in the world.



Going with your gut

1 May

For those of you visiting from the Multicultural Awareness Blog Carnival, welcome to The Vaca Loca! I’m so glad you could stop by and hope you enjoy your stay!

I’m originally from Kentucky, and besides Speedy Gonzalez and The Three Amigos, I didn’t grow up hearing much Spanish spoken. I started taking Spanish in high school, and it was there that the universe started opening little windows for me and laying out paths that would ultimately lead me to where I am today — married to a man from Mexico and trying to raise a bilingual baby.

I consider myself fluent in Spanish, but not fully bilingual. I think in both languages, dream in both languages, feel in both languages… but English is still by far easier for me. This became especially apparent after having my baby. I spoke to him in both languages, but when it came time to comfort him, coo at his cuteness, and play baby games with him, English dominated. Complicating matters was the fact that I had postpartum depression, which utterly exhausted me and left me with an abysmal emptiness. And it’s when I’m tired and weak that my Spanish suffers the most.

My husband and I had talked early on about how we were going to go about teaching both languages to the baby. The one-parent-one-language method felt forced to us. And since we now live in the US we knew the baby would be getting an overwhelming amount of English no matter what. So we planned on just using Spanish in the home and with Spanish-speaking friends and family. The effect that my postpartum depression had on this plan only exasperated me more and fueled my feelings of inadequacy when it came to raising a bilingual baby. But we pressed on, adamant that he learn Spanish. We quit worrying about the “right” method, and just did what felt right in our guts.

My little z-baby is now two years old and his language skills are really starting to blossom. My husband speaks to him almost only in Spanish, and I speak as much Spanish to him as I possibly can. Some days this means no English. Others it means about half and half. And z-baby? He understands both beautifully. And he speaks some of both, though he has yet to string sentences together in either. He picks and chooses the words he uses. For some things he only uses Spanish — the alphabet, numbers, colors. For other things, it’s only English — parts of the body, apple, move, bed. And for yet other things, it’s what suits his fancy in the moment — ball/pelota, agua/water, kitty/gato, comer/eat, basura/trash. He’s let loose a perfectly conjugated verb or two in Spanish (cayó and ¡ya voy!) and chastises the dog in English (Bad gur!). And I’ve even noticed recently that he asks my husband and me to pick him up in Spanish, but asks my mother in English.

My heart explodes as such displays of bilingual communication. And it’s those moments that make all the hard work worth it, and make it easier to put up with the daily aches and pains of what it’s really like to try and teach our baby Spanish and English. So what does the daily grind feel like anyway? Well, a little something like this….

  • It means translating for grandparents and abuelos
  • It means walking through stores and jabbering away in Spanish while you get stares from everyone (both Latinos and non-Latinos)
  • It means actively seeking out books and activities in Spanish (this is the only gift we ever ask for from Mexico now)
  • It means learning the words for things you may never have had to use before
  • It means getting your Spanish corrected more frequently
  • It means learning songs in Spanish and making up new ones
  • It means always being aware of the balance between how much you use each language
  • It means not beating yourself up when you slip into English
  • It means second-guessing e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g you say — “Did I say that right? Is that masculine or feminine? Is my accent off?”
  • It means loosening up, letting go, being persistent, and having patience

But most of all, it means trusting yourself and going with what feels natural in your gut — and isn’t that the ultimate lesson in parenting, no matter what language you do it in?


A big Thank You to Bicultural Mom for hosting the carnival!

You’ve come a long way, baby

30 Apr

Today marks a major milestone for me — I’m sharing my 100th post.

100 posts.

100 times that I’ve bared my pain, vented my woes, shared my secrets, bragged about z-baby, opened my soul… and hoped to nourish yours in the process.

100 times that I’ve wondered what to divulge and how much to share.

100 times that I’ve hit “publish” and felt a little of the weight lifted.

I browsed through my old posts last night, and as I read through them, it was like reading some other woman’s diary. I couldn’t even remember writing some of them. I laughed at some (at least I can make myself laugh, heh?) and flinched from the pain of others. And I was thankful for this woman. Thankful that 1 1/2 years ago, this woman decided, on a whim, to start a secret blog and document her struggle with postpartum depression. I remember that woman… lying on her bedroom floor in the dark, afraid to move a muscle for fear that it would wake up her baby and she’d never get him back to sleep… wondering what other women with this illness actually thought and felt… wondering if she would ever be able to move forward… wondering how to fight the dark thoughts that kept pushing their way into her head.

I can only hope that something I’ve written in these 100 posts has resonated with someone battling postpartum depression, postpartum anxiety and/or postpartum OCD, and helped them to know that they’re not alone and that things can get better.

This is a small, humble blog, and I want to say thank you to anyone who has ever read it and for those who have ever left a comment.

And for those of you who are new to The Vaca Loca, I still write a little about postpartum depression, but it has evolved into thoughts and stories about my real life, rather than just my illness. So for nostalgia’s sake, and as a celebration of how far I’ve come in 100 posts, I thought I’d share some of my earlier posts with you all…

  1. How did I get here? — the path to my PPD/PPA/PPOCD
  2. A minute inside my head — the painful record that played in my head 24/7
  3. What tipped the scales — the evolution of thoughts that made me get help
  4. Down with rubber duckies — my meltdown over a rubber duckie
  5. The spa episode — the one where I very nearly killed sig-o before I got help
  6. I do good guilt — really… but what mom doesn’t?
  7. Birth Story — reflections on how z-baby came into this world
  8. Taking care of mom — what happened after the birth story
  9. It’s a love-hate thing — watching sig-o parent through the lens of PPD
  10. And yet — still in the midst of PPD, but know it’s getting better

Funky house

5 Apr

I have a funky house. And by that I don’t mean a hip, little bungalow. My house stinks. And I’m tired of the funk.

Almost a year ago I was still really struggling with postpartum depression/anxiety/OCD and I felt like I needed a change. I wasn’t trying to run from my life, but felt like I needed to put some things in order and create a life that would allow me to appropriately work through the PPD and then maintain the peace and happiness I hoped I would soon achieve. So we decided to leave the big city behind and move to a smaller place to be closer to my mom for support.

We rented out our house because there was no way we could sell at the time (still!) and looked for a new place to rent. Our finances were changing dramatically because I was leaving my primary wage earner job to be a stay-at-home mom. So our choices were more limited. We finally found a house that had just what we were looking for: a quiet street, not too far from my mom, a fenced backyard for the dog, the size we needed (though smaller than what we had), and in our price range. As an added bonus, the neighborhood had a playground and swimming pool that were within walking distance from the house and were included in the monthly rent. Score!

When we first went in the house, though, I was hit at the door with a funky smell. Not a knock you on your ass kind of smell, but it was clearly there. Kind of like a mix between mothballs and I wasn’t sure what else. But the house had been vacant a few months because they were re-roofing it, so I thought a good airing out would do the trick. We moved in and I started battling the smell. Painting, airing out, cleaning, changing air filters, cleaning, and scented candles, oils, and what not — whatever I could find that wasn’t made of a bunch of toxic chemicals. And it got a little better. But it’s still there. It wasn’t very noticeable in the winter. But now that it’s getting warmer and more humid, I’m noticing it again. I can’t tell when I’m in the house. But every time I come home, I get so frustrated with it again. And to make matters worse, sig-o was heating up his dinner last night because I wasn’t home and burnt the crap out of some tortillas. So now it’s a smoky funk. And the dog is shedding her winter coat, so it’s a hairy, smoky funk. UGH!

And it’s not just frustrating. It’s embarrassing, really… I hate having friends or family visit. My grandparents are in town and I’m actually embarrassed to have them over to my house. Which has me down. Our other house was new. Pristine. Ok, pristine when we moved in. But when we cleaned it up it came pretty damn close. This place? It serves us well, I suppose, and I’m thankful we have it. But it’s older and has it’s issues.

I’m just down today, so it’s easy for me to focus on the damn smelly house because it’s always there and always frustrating. And it’s better for me to focus on one thing because otherwise the negativity snowballs until it gets out of control. More than anything, it scares me when I feel like this because I’m afraid it will be a slippery slope back into a depression.

So If anyone has a miracle cure for a funky house, PLEASE let me know!!! I will be forever indebted 🙂

Luckiest vaca in the world

3 Apr

Ok, so I have to do a little mushy mushy share and brag.

My sig-o… I ask myself (nearly) every day what I ever did in all my previous lives put together to deserve such a good guy. I must have been a saint. I do have to say nearly every day though because every now and then he goes and pulls some stupid guy stunt… like the spa episode. I now chalk it up to brain damage from early parenthood sleep deprivation and having to live with a whacked out woman (um, that would be me).

We’ve been together for twelve years. Thick and thin. Separated by borders. Immigration woes and triumphs. College, grad school, ESL classes. Trying to conceive. A soul-hollowing miscarriage. My attempt to kick him out after the miscarriage. Therapy. The joy and fear of another pregnancy. The elation of a baby born. The falling apart with postpartum depression/anxiety/OCD. The slow piecing back together. Job changes and a move. Putting up with me. Every. Single. Day.

He takes care of me. And I let him. But it wasn’t always that way… in fact, it was one of my hardest life lessons. Before I met sig-o I was a self-sufficient gal. I took care of myself and anyone in my vicinity. I proudly attended a women’s college (“not a girls school without men but a women’s college without boys” read my favorite t-shirt) — the last thing I thought I wanted or needed was a man. Especially a man who wanted to… take care of me. The thought of it was preposterous. Saying it out loud was like stringing together a series of four-letter words. Dirty. And then bam! The universe threw us together and everything in my world was turned on its head. I fought it, believe me. But little by little he chipped away at my armor and I finally let him in. And then a little more.

And it’s rather nice, you know, to get taken care of (and I don’t mean that in a gimme, gimme, gimme kind of way, but rather a letting yourself be loved kind of way). He gives me foot rubs. And baths. He comes home from work and puts the baby to sleep most days. He does the floors and irons his own shirts. He listens to me whenever and for as long as I need him to and supports me unconditionally. Don’t get me wrong. I do a lot to take care of him, too. And there are times when I wonder where the love has gone. Like when I recently had the stomach flu and he snored through hours of me retching my guts out in the bathroom and calling out for him. But I find myself wondering more and more how I got so lucky.

And then there are the moments that just put it all over the top. Like tonight, I found him cleaning vomit out of the car seat.


Such a simple thing. But I mean, really. How many guys would do this? I must be the luckiest vaca in the world (big, cheeeezy smile… and a little girly sigh).

It’s a Fiesta!

1 Apr

Ultimate Blog Party 2011

I am so excited that I just serendipitously ran across 5 Minutes for Mom and their Ultimate Blog Party 2011! And the party started today so I’m actually not late to something for a change.

So for those of you blog hopping your way through the fiesta (yee-haw!), welcome to The Vaca Loca! I started this blog after I was diagnosed with postpartum depression/anxiety/OCD in an attempt to document what it really feels like (for me, at least). I hoped that other moms going through the same thing could relate and know that they’re not alone and that things will get better.

Now that I am feeling better, I’ve been working on re-inventing The Vaca Loca. I still blog about what it’s like to live with the remnants of postpartum depression, but I also write about being a stay-at-home mom to a 2-year old and life in a bi-cultural family. I offer happy thoughts on Mondays and recipes on Fridays. And really, when I sit down to blog, I never know what I’ll be writing about until it starts oozing out. Wanna know more? I must have known, because I recently posted this.

So pull up a chair and stay as long as you’d like. I’d offer you something to drink, but all I have in the fridge is a trickle of whole milk. And let’s face it, I’d just be setting myself up for an early-morning meltdown if I gave away z-baby’s last bit of leche for his cereal.

I’d love to hear from you and look forward to hopping over to your blog, too. Now go get your fiesta on!

Say what?

31 Mar

When I started this blog, I only told two people about it: sig-o and my sister. My sister has had full access to it from the beginning, whereas sig-o only reads it if I ask him to. They’re still the only ones who know about it.

When thinking of what to name the blog, The Vaca Loca immediately came to mind. Loca? Because I felt like I was absolutely losing it at the time due to the postpartum depression. Vaca? Because sometimes (and sometimes still) I felt like that was all I was and all I was good for — a dairy cow, lactating for little z-baby. The Vaca Loca? Well, it was also a little shout out to Manu Chao (me likey mucho!). I knew my husband got it, and I thought I had told my sister what it meant, too (she doesn’t speak Spanish). But maybe not…

The other day I was talking to my sister on the phone and z-baby came up and wanted me to read him a book in Spanish. There was a picture of a cow so I asked him, “¿Qué dice la vaca?” He responded with a cute little, “Muuuuuuuu.” My sister said, “Wait, what did you just say?” I said, “Vaca. You know, like my blog.” There was a long pause. Turns out she thought my blog was called The Vacay Loca, as in the crazy vacation.. And I get it. It never would have dawned on me, but I get it. And I thought that was cute.

Even cuter though was when she visited for Christmas. Z-baby calls all his aunts tía regardless of whether they speak English or Spanish. So one day my sister finally asks, “Why do you all keep talking about tortillas all the time?” It took me a second but then it hit me… we kept saying things like, “Lleva la bolsa a tu tía… Dale un beso a tu tía… Este vaso es de tu tía…” Said fast enough and enough times and yeah, it sounds like we’re obsessed with tortillas! I had to laugh. (Love ya sis! And rest assured that I’m laughing with you!)

Anyway, it made me laugh, so I thought I’d share it with blogdom. We have bilingual mix-ups and blunders with the family all the time… and with a toddler who is talking more and more every day, we’re sure to have a lot more to come.