An Evolution

I always knew I’d breastfeed. But when I set out to nurse, I think I saw breastfeeding as a static, uniform thing — you did it or you didn’t, and for those who did, it was just all the same. As a new parent, it was both enlightening and reassuring to discover that’s not true. It is, in fact, extremely nuanced, as individual as the ones doing it. But I also discovered that as soon as you find your footing, things change. Like your baby, breastfeeding and the breastfeeding relationship is a living, ever-changing creature.

So in honor of World Breastfeeding Week, I’m sharing with you the evolution of my breastfeeding experience… two and half years of the ups, downs, tears, joys, and mundane of nourishing my little one (and myself) in the process.

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Pre-birth – I suppose this started years ago when I watched my step mother nurse twins for 18 months. I’d never seen a baby breastfeed before and this seemed revolutionary to me at the time (at 15). Closer to time for z-baby’s birth, though, I took a breastfeeding class at work and attended some lunchtime discussions at work for nursing moms (led by a lactation consultant). A few days before I gave birth I started getting nervous and watched every video I could find from Dr. Jack Newman. I watched healthy newborn latches over and over and over…

Birth – Let’s just say it didn’t go as planned. I wanted to nurse right away but z-baby was in a transition nursery for over 6 hours. When I did get him, we started right away and he latched — but not a great one. I had already asked for a lactation consultant and we saw them three times before we left the hospital. Z-baby was a sleeper… he wanted to eat, but he wanted to sleep even more. So my most vivid memory of those days was stripping him down each and every time he needed to eat (so he didn’t feel too cozy) and gently nudging him awake throughout every feed. Z-baby’s papi took this very seriously, like his personal mission those first few days.

Month 1 – My milk came in quickly and plentiful and z-baby was a great eater. I loved nursing, but it was soooooo painful. But not in the way I could have imagined. I had a bit of Carpal Tunnel during the pregnancy, and it kicked into overdrive those few weeks following birth. My hands would freeze up like hooks and I was terrified I’d drop the baby. And my hands didn’t just go numb, they ached and pain shot up through to my elbows. I remember crying through several of those feedings from the pain. My mom or husband would have to either support the baby or my breast or both. It sucked (no pun intended). I couldn’t sit down to nurse without water and a towel because there was so much milk it seemed to get everywhere!
*Nursing equipment was very important: Boppy upstairs, Brest Friend downstairs, multiple towels, nipple cream, pads for the bra, nursing bra.

Months 2-3 – When the painful claw hands went away, nursing became a breeze. I loved it still, and enjoyed every minute of it. Then I had to have my gallbladder taken out and we happily fell into co-sleeping, which made the night-time nursing even better. Z-baby loved nursing and was still in that pre-wiggler phase where he’d pretty much stay put through a whole feeding and was serious about his nursing… no playing for this guy… yet!
*Equipment: We dropped the nipple cream around this time and started trying the pump and bottles. 

Nursing z-baby, 5 weeks

Months 4-9 – I went back to work after 3 months and it was hell. H-E-L-L. Z-baby refused all bottles and reversed cycled. My first day back I had an off-site meeting and tried to pump in the car, only to realize I had no batteries or charger. I got so engorged but survived. I was at a leading public health agency in the country and they had lactation rooms and pumps which were great, but it was still a challenge to find the time during the day to do it and an open time slot in the rooms. I luckily telecommuted several days a weeks and had someone watching the baby in the house, so I could just nurse those days. But on days when I wasn’t home, z-baby waited for me all day and then we nursed all night. I welcomed the nursing, but he would be so hungry that he’d overeat and puke everywhere and I could never keep up with the laundry. We introduced some solids in here but he could care less. Most of this is a blur for me because the postpartum depression set in during this time, though I wasn’t fully aware of it. But I know I worried all day about z-baby not eating and raced home to be with him and only then was I ever at ease. And in those early days of still undiagnosed postpartum depression, it was the nursing that kept me going… alive even.
*Equipment: Pump, pump, pump. And pump some more. Sometime during this time we also stopped using the nursing pillows.

Months 10-14 – I finally started getting treatment for the postpartum depression, and while this was still a very difficult time, it did start to get a little better. Breastfeeding was still the light at the end of the tunnel each and every day. Looking down and seeing z-baby and seeing him relish the time as much as I did left me speechless. Or maybe it was from the biting, I can’t remember. No longer just a wiggler on the couch, he’s a roller during nursing, too. He nurses upside down and sideways, bouncing and swaying. I never knew my nipples were so flexible… I still overproduced and donated gallons (and gallons…) of it to a friend. But I’m finally not gushing every time I go to nurse.
*Equipment: I think I still used nursing pads when at work or separated from z-baby, and the pump, of course.

Months 14-24 – I stopped working, put away the pump, and started staying at home with z-baby full time. Life is goooooooooooooood. Nursing becomes something I do often throughout the day, but no longer think about. Z-baby became vocal about his nursing during this time and asked for it frequently. Nursing in public became both easier and more difficult. Easier because he could just sit in front of me and I could angle away from people… harder because he never stayed in one position and insisted my shirt be ALL the way up to give him total access. I struggled with the decision to wean or not so that I can get pregnant again, but it just never felt right. Z-baby went through lots of ups and downs… times when he needed to nurse a lot (usually growth and developmental spurts and teething) and periods where he didn’t nurse as much. Biting still an off and on issue, and the nipple fiddling started (playing with one while eating off the other). Momma became a serve yourself buffet during this time — z-baby would pull up my shirt and insist on his “deeta” whenever he wanted it.
*Equipment: A chair. That’s it. No pads, towels, creams, pillows, nothing. Oh, and a nursing bra. But I had to be careful somedays because he sees the act of sitting down as an open invitation.

Months 24-30 – Here we are, nursing at 2 1/2 years. Nursing is still an acrobatic act, day and night. We’ve pared it down to going down and waking up from naps and bedtime. He’s starting to respect my wishes some — needing to wait or stop during the night, for example. But he manages which side he wants and the exact position he wants it in. I also have to nurse cars and trains, and he’s even tried to push it up so I can have some, too (such a helper!). He even managed to get chocolate milk out of me one day (that’s a post for another day)!!! He had his first sleepover with grandma (our first night apart!), which was his first night ever that he didn’t nurse. And just very recently did I hit the nursing wall. I’ve finally gotten to the point where I’m ready to wean. I know I’ll miss it, and I can’t imagine motherhood without it (at first at least), but I’m ready. Is he? I don’t think so, and we’re working on potty training so I won’t do anything right away… but we’ll see what the future holds for us.
*Equipment: Nada. Except for the darn bra! There are times when he needs a quick comfort session of about 3 seconds and I don’t even sit anymore… just bend over.

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Two and half years of breastfeeding. No cracked nipples, plugged ducts, or mastisis. A little bit of yeast once. Overproduction and numb hands. Gallons of milk in my freezer. Lugging the pump to work and z-baby on a week-long business trip. Surgery and anesthesia. Postpartum depression and medication. Nursing pads, pillows, and towels. Reverse cycling and cosleeping. Nursing in bed, on the couch, at the table, typing, writing, on the phone, in the car, in public, in therapy, on planes, in meetings, standing up, sitting down, bending over. Two and half years. And I wouldn’t trade a single minute of it for anything in the world.

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Funky house

I have a funky house. And by that I don’t mean a hip, little bungalow. My house stinks. And I’m tired of the funk.

Almost a year ago I was still really struggling with postpartum depression/anxiety/OCD and I felt like I needed a change. I wasn’t trying to run from my life, but felt like I needed to put some things in order and create a life that would allow me to appropriately work through the PPD and then maintain the peace and happiness I hoped I would soon achieve. So we decided to leave the big city behind and move to a smaller place to be closer to my mom for support.

We rented out our house because there was no way we could sell at the time (still!) and looked for a new place to rent. Our finances were changing dramatically because I was leaving my primary wage earner job to be a stay-at-home mom. So our choices were more limited. We finally found a house that had just what we were looking for: a quiet street, not too far from my mom, a fenced backyard for the dog, the size we needed (though smaller than what we had), and in our price range. As an added bonus, the neighborhood had a playground and swimming pool that were within walking distance from the house and were included in the monthly rent. Score!

When we first went in the house, though, I was hit at the door with a funky smell. Not a knock you on your ass kind of smell, but it was clearly there. Kind of like a mix between mothballs and I wasn’t sure what else. But the house had been vacant a few months because they were re-roofing it, so I thought a good airing out would do the trick. We moved in and I started battling the smell. Painting, airing out, cleaning, changing air filters, cleaning, and scented candles, oils, and what not — whatever I could find that wasn’t made of a bunch of toxic chemicals. And it got a little better. But it’s still there. It wasn’t very noticeable in the winter. But now that it’s getting warmer and more humid, I’m noticing it again. I can’t tell when I’m in the house. But every time I come home, I get so frustrated with it again. And to make matters worse, sig-o was heating up his dinner last night because I wasn’t home and burnt the crap out of some tortillas. So now it’s a smoky funk. And the dog is shedding her winter coat, so it’s a hairy, smoky funk. UGH!

And it’s not just frustrating. It’s embarrassing, really… I hate having friends or family visit. My grandparents are in town and I’m actually embarrassed to have them over to my house. Which has me down. Our other house was new. Pristine. Ok, pristine when we moved in. But when we cleaned it up it came pretty damn close. This place? It serves us well, I suppose, and I’m thankful we have it. But it’s older and has it’s issues.

I’m just down today, so it’s easy for me to focus on the damn smelly house because it’s always there and always frustrating. And it’s better for me to focus on one thing because otherwise the negativity snowballs until it gets out of control. More than anything, it scares me when I feel like this because I’m afraid it will be a slippery slope back into a depression.

So If anyone has a miracle cure for a funky house, PLEASE let me know!!! I will be forever indebted 🙂

It’s a Fiesta!

I am so excited that I just serendipitously ran across 5 Minutes for Mom and their Ultimate Blog Party 2011! And the party started today so I’m actually not late to something for a change.

So for those of you blog hopping your way through the fiesta (yee-haw!), welcome to The Vaca Loca! I started this blog after I was diagnosed with postpartum depression/anxiety/OCD in an attempt to document what it really feels like (for me, at least). I hoped that other moms going through the same thing could relate and know that they’re not alone and that things will get better.

Now that I am feeling better, I’ve been working on re-inventing The Vaca Loca. I still blog about what it’s like to live with the remnants of postpartum depression, but I also write about being a stay-at-home mom to a 2-year old and life in a bi-cultural family. I offer happy thoughts on Mondays and recipes on Fridays. And really, when I sit down to blog, I never know what I’ll be writing about until it starts oozing out. Wanna know more? I must have known, because I recently posted this.

So pull up a chair and stay as long as you’d like. I’d offer you something to drink, but all I have in the fridge is a trickle of whole milk. And let’s face it, I’d just be setting myself up for an early-morning meltdown if I gave away z-baby’s last bit of leche for his cereal.

I’d love to hear from you and look forward to hopping over to your blog, too. Now go get your fiesta on!

La Vaca

I’ve been wanting to update my “about” section ever since I started blogging again. But for some reason it doesn’t come easy. I’m never sure what and just how much to share (but that’s another post), so I’ll start with this and call it a work in progress… Let me know what you think — what do you want to know about the Vaca Loca?

When I started this blog and was in the deepest throes of postpartum depression (and anxiety and OCD), all I could muster to say about myself was this:

The Vaca Loca… a lactating, co-sleeping, attachment parenting new mama who thought she had slipped past the postpartum depression monster unscathed…but boy is this vaca loca.

I couldn’t tell you who I was because I didn’t know anymore. But after a lot of work on me and kicking postpartum to the curb, I remember who I am and am discovering more about who I want to be every day. I’m still pretty much all of the above, and while the postpartum depression/anxiety/OCD isn’t making me so loca these days, there’s still plenty loca left around here.

• I’m a gringa married to a Mexican for 12 years
• We used to live in Mexico but we’re in the states now
• We have one living child, z-baby, who just turned two (we lost p-baby during our first pregnancy)
• I experienced postpartum depression… but thankfully survived
• A year after z-baby was born I left my career to be a stay-at-home mom (and I LOVE it)
• I like cooking, reading (though I rarely get to anymore), traveling, camping, and am a yard-sale junkie (pun intended)
• Every now and then I have those days where everything just seems to fall into place… I get some cleaning done, the baby eats real food, we happily play at the playground, he cuddles and takes a nap and goes down for the night without a fuss. But more often than not I leave piles of clean laundry in the baby’s bed for folding later, the dishes pile up on the counter, the baby has a meltdown when he has to get out of the bath, the dog vomits unidentifiable matter on the carpet (for the 4th time that week), we can’t get our crap together and miss story time at the library, and by the time sig-o comes home from work I’m mumbling like Rainman. I count myself lucky if most of our days fall somewhere in between!

I just couldn’t stop

As I mentioned in Monday’s post, it was the first day of strawberry season around here. I was so excited for so many reasons.

First, this is just the kind of thing I loved to do as a kid, and I wanted to start the tradition with z-baby. Strawberries, blackberries, mulberries, blueberries, apples, peaches, watermelon… you name it, I’ll pick it. In Mexico my favorite things to pick were aguacates and liches (yum!). I’ve also been in a cooking mood, and there are so many things you can make with strawberries. Plus, Z-baby loves his outside time, but isn’t such a fan of getting dirty. I thought this would be a good way to get him to play in the dirt. The biggest reason of all, though, is that just thinking about strawberry season really put of lot into perspective for me.

When we moved here last year, I was still really struggling with postpartum depression, anxiety, and OCD. But I think I had forgotten just how much… Back then it had been on my list of things to do: “Now that I’m a stay-at-home mom and live here, I’m going to go do things like pick strawberries. In the middle of the day. In the middle of the week!” It felt so monumental, so… rebellious even. But I never did it. Strawberry season came and went. Then blackberry. Then blueberry. We didn’t even go cut our own pumpkin in the fall. In fact, there’s a lot of things that I just don’t remember from those first few months here. I was still that depressed. It wasn’t until later in the summer that I started feeling good, starting getting out and doing things, started enjoying myself, my z-baby, my new town. I was happy to get off the meds in later summer, too. But that didn’t mean that everything was miraculously better. I still had some anxiety. Not a lot, but I still had to go through a period of learning how to better manage it on my own. It was slow. But it felt normal. It felt good.

Now I’ve made it through my first winter post- postpartum depression. Winters used to be so hard on me. March, for some reason was the worst. I inevitably hit rock bottom every March. My doc suggested I use a light box this winter. And I was going to do it, had every intention of buying one. But I forgot. I was distracted by the fun I was having with z-baby. I did make it a point to get outside more and try and soak up as much sun as possible. And the climate around these parts is forgiving in that way, so maybe that helped. Are things perfect? Hell no. But I do feel a lot better than I’ve felt in a very, very long time.

Now I say all that to explain what went through my head when I read the simplest of statements in a newsletter Sunday afternoon: “The u-pick strawberry farms may open for the season tomorrow, but you’ll have to call to be sure.” Immediately, I was like, “Yes! Strawberries! That sounds like fun!” And then I remembered last year’s proclamation and the failed follow-through. And that’s why when I woke up Monday morning, the first thing I did was grab my phone and call to see if they were really open. And that’s why I threw on some clothes and took off with z-baby and headed to the fields even before sig-o had left for work that morning. I know I’m a different person now than I was just a few short months ago, and I wasn’t going to put off another strawberry proclamation again.

So how was the event? Z-baby picked three whole strawberries. Then he felt the sandy dirt on his hands and decided this was not the fun he thought it was going to be. He took off his hat and tossed it over a few rows. He carried the buckets. Until he got distracted by two little girls munching on berries as they picked them. He watched them for a long time and then picked one out of his bucket and chomped into it. And then spent the next 5 minutes spitting and wiping his tongue clean. Then he kicked the buckets. Then he dumped all the berries out of them. Then he picked at the leaves. Then he found his real calling. He kicked the dirt. And he loved it. Me? I filled my bucket in an almost delirious trance, talking half to z-baby and half to myself the whole time about how beautiful the berries were, how good they smelled, all the things we could make with them. The sun was hot but the day was cool and berries were perfect and the dirt smelled as good as the berries and the leaves were scratchy in a nostalgic and not too annoying kind of way. And then I filled another bucket. I just couldn’t stop. It was like meditation, the movement, the senses. I finally stopped when berries were falling from both buckets. I thought about getting more buckets, but thought it wiser to stop for the day… if for no other reason, so I can come back again soon and do it all over again.

Victory (any!) is sweet

As a stay-at-home mom living in a new city, I have to be especially proactive about seeking out opportunities for z-baby to interact with other children and get myself out of the house. Thankfully we have an awesome local blog, Southern Mamas, that publishes kid-friendly activities coming up each week. I’m an introvert anyway, and with the postpartum depression (even its remnants) I sometimes have to force myself out of the house and into social settings. So we do story time at the library every week and we try to make it out to the wildlife center for a toddler program. I also joined a mom’s club that has various meet-ups and play dates throughout the month.

I took z-baby to his first play group several months ago, and in all honesty, I still haven’t fully recovered. I went in all naive and hopeful, expecting him to play alongside the other kids while I would form life-long friendships with the other mothers. Eeeerrrrch! Could you hear that record screeching to a halt? That was so not what happened. Once he warmed up and I could pry him off my leg, he stood in one spot for a long time and watched the other kids play. Then he must have decided he like them soooo much that he needed to hug them. All of them. Over and over again. He was having a ball hugging them, taking them down like a linebacker, and pinning them to the ground… with a huge grin on his face the whole time. I pulled him off sobbing babies, toddlers, and kindergartners more times than I could count. At some point the bigger kids banded together and started half-chanting, half-yelling at him, “No more hugs! No more hugs!” I was so not prepared for this.

Then the throwing started. As if he needed to demonstrate his awesome arm to all the other kids. Dolls, legos, balls, trains… you name it, it went flying. The other kids took shelter in the tent. You could still hear the chanting coming from within, with a few sniffling outliers scattered across the room. Z-baby wanted in. Bad. And they wouldn’t let him. So he did the only thing a brawny little 1-year old could do. He pulled and pulled until the top of the tent bent down to the ground and he could climb in through the hole at the top. Exasperated kids evacuated. OK, 1) how did he even know there was a hole in the top in the first place? and 2) how is it that my kid was that kid???

By this point I was a sweaty, shaky, stunned mess. I mumbled something to the other moms and I grabbed our stuff and staggered out the door. I waited until I got down the street a ways and then I lost it, sobbing like one of the snotty-nosed babies z-baby had left in his wake. I got home and told sig-o what had happened, concluding with, “Our kid was the bad kid!” (which I’m forbidden to say, by the way). He tried to calm me down and as we talked I saw a blur of fur and giggles fly by us. Z-baby was hugging our big dog, holding on to her around the neck and by the collar as the dog ran around the house trying to shake him off. Which she couldn’t. And it dawned on me why (or at least partially why) he’s so rough. The dog is his only other playmate.

This was like six months ago. It literally took me that much time to get up the nerve to go back to this play group. On the way to the group this morning, I had a little talk with z-baby. Which I knew was futile, but I didn’t know what else to do. We covered the basics — no hitting, kicking, hugging, spitting, or biting (the newest craze). I dreaded going in. I just knew we had a reputation already. But they barely remembered us. It took him longer to warm up this time and then after some coaxing, he actually played like a good little boy. I was so proud of him! And then it happened. A mom came in with her little girl and a giant pink ball. I think it’s an understatement to say that z-baby is ball crazy. He practically popped out was pulled out and asked for a ball. It was his first word. He both threw and kicked before he could walk. People stop us all the time at the park in amazement. So when he saw this ball, I knew it was all over. He managed to wait until no one was using it and then grabbed it. He kicked it over the moms’ heads twice. And then he was ready to go… and take the ball with him. We were headed towards tantrum territory so I decided we should call it a day and leave. It took some quick maneuvering and let’s face it, I ended up having to carry him out while he looked back at everyone in the room and whimpered, “Bye ball… Bye ball… Bye ball.” And I felt awful. Again.

But it was an improvement. And we did last for almost an hour. And there was no chanting. Now I’d call that a victory.

Happy Monday: things that make me happy today

After z-baby was born and I went back to work, I dreaded Mondays like never before. They were so anxiety-ridden and painful. But I recently realized that I don’t dread Mondays anymore. In fact, they’re kind of a celebration around here. I may have piles of laundry blocking my path through the bedroom and dirty dishes lining my countertops… but I get to be home with my little baby big boy and decide when and if I’ll ever get around to it all. Yeah! I cherish the gift I’ve been given to be a stay-at-home mom for now, and give thanks to the universe making it possible. The Vaca Loca therefore officially declares Mondays “Happy Mondays” a day to celebrate the little (and big) things that make us happy.

• Z-baby, who just turned two, with all his kisses, tantrums, giggles, and unending curiosity…
• The absolutely gorgeous weather we’re having here today…
• A beautiful park to play the day away in…
• Watching z-baby play toilet paper futbol…he’ll kick anything!
• Finally sending off yet another (and hopefully the last!) INS application for sig-o. This is the big one — citizenship — so we’ll have to have a big celebration when it comes through…
• Blogging again — happy times!

Half-way through the year…

July marks the year’s half-way point so I thought it appropriate to check in on my New Year’s intentions and see where things stand. Back on Jan 2, I posted a list of things I was grateful for the from the past year, things I wanted to leave behind this year, and things I welcomed in the new year and hoped to manifest. Here’s a quick update on where things stand:

Things I want to release and leave behind:

• Depression — Still working on this one (mainly the anxiety). But moving in the right direction, so I feel good about it.
• Fear of failure — This is a biggie. I’ve made some recent decisions despite this fear… but does it ever go away?
• Fear of taking risks to do what I want because it doesn’t seem to be the responsible or logical decision — Took a major leap of faith this year despite logic and so far I still feel good about it. So not like me!
• Disappointment in and anger at in-laws right after baby was born — I guess I’m over this. Just putting it out there was probably enough to get it out of my system.
• Unhealthy pattern of not exercising, eating out too much — Making good headway here. We don’t eat out very much at all anymore and I’m cooking every day and walking almost every day. Just need to work more on the walking.

Things I welcome in the new year and wish to manifest:

• Becoming a stay-at-home mom — Achieved. Wow. This was huge. Still set up to work part time but haven’t so far. Did I mention this is huge?
• Healing from the postpartum depression — Actively working on it and feeling good about progress to date, especially in light of recent transitions.
• Freedom from perceived dependency on current work situation — So. Damn. Free. Yes!
• Continued financial stability for our family — So far, so good. Major changes, but we’re making it. One of my biggest worries still.
• Trust in sig-o’s ability to provide for our family — I trust.
• Starting my own business! — Still not sure how to fit this in. There’s always time, I guess.
• Another pregnancy, if that’s what the universe has in store for us — I’ve thought about it and just don’t know if I’m ready yet or not. But definitely not off the table for this year.
• Health and wellness for the family — With the exception of a recent setback with my back, we’re doing great. Hope to keep it that way!

Flux-ier than ever

For an anxious type A, I’m apparently pretty lax when it comes to my own schedule. I feel like it’s in constant flux. By nature I’m a night person, but that’s changed since the bambino gets up at the crack of dawn. Perhaps I exaggerate, but not by much. So now that I’ve been taking a break from working outside the home, our routine and schedule is flux-ier than ever. Like the researcher I am, I’ve searched and read all I could about stay at home moms’ schedules. They’re so shiny, so perfect sounding. But I gotta wonder — are they real? I mean, I crave routine but even I can’t imagine abiding by some of these timetables. Is this just a passing thing for me or have I always been like this? I think I’ve always been like this. And with the baby, it’s easy to just fall into a loose pattern guided by his hunger and oh-so temperamental appetite for sleep. Of course, I’m struggling to keep up with the housework, but let’s face it — sometimes it feels huge to just get dressed, brush my teeth, feed the baby all day, and get him down for naps. Monumental. I can’t tease out how much of that is the depression and how much of it is just being a mom who is tired because her now 11-month old still eats through the night. Yawn. At least with treatment I’m sleeping in between feedings rather than staying awake with my mind racing through who knows what thoughts and scenarios all night long.

Another big change lately is that my sig-o has moved back into our bedroom. We slept in the same bed for about 2 months after the baby was born. Then baby-z and I started co-sleeping full-time and I couldn’t deal with his snoring and off to the office he went. Now nine months later and he’s back. Still snores and that’s an issue, but we’re doing better than before. In fact, before treatment, morning time was hell for me. I dreaded waking up and just wanted to sleep forever and not have to go to work which was making me miserable. Now, I think the morning is my favorite time. I wake up to a smiling baby and drowsy sig-o who is warm and wants to cuddle. I don’t fret about all the things that I don’t want to do that day or can’t bear to face…the days are just blank slates that the baby and I fill up according to our whims. So damn the schedules, because I don’t think it can get better than that.

On the dharma of change

Ok, so not to beat a dead horse, but my anxiety is way up regarding work and upcoming changes. I tried to work through some of this in therapy this week and basically came to this conclusion: I should be feeling anxiety about all of this change! It’s normal. Leaving work, becoming a stay at home mom and not the primary earner, renting/selling house, moving to a new city, finding a new job for sig-o, finding a new place to live — these are some rock-your-world kind of changes, and they’re happening all at once!

I recently read an article on the dharma of change (also from my therapist). It says (and I’m heavily paraphrasing) that all change, even for the better, has a dark side to it and you have to be prepared to deal with that. Change is a normal life cycle, and just as there is newness and birth in change, there is also death. That darkness, that death, while not easy, must also be embraced. I really like that perspective and am working on embracing my own dark side of change while celebrating and moving towards the new. The article also suggests that there are three questions one should ask themselves when contemplating change. Here is the gist of the questions and my own responses:

1. What is your motive behind the change and is it wholesome? I’m talking about two major changes. First is leaving work and becoming a stay-at-home mom. My motives here are to spend more time with my baby, leave an unhealthy work environment, and attend to my family’s overall well-being (not eating out, exercising, etc…). Second is a move to another city to be closer to my mother. I want the baby to have the opportunity to grow up close to a grandparent (we do live by my sig-o’s mother now) and I’d like to live close to my mom again. It’s a different level of support that I could really use right now. I’d also like to move the family to a smaller town and slow down a bit, which is possible but hard to do in a bigger city. So are these motives wholesome? I think so. Each of these changes are moving me closer to my authentic self and away from destructive patterns and unhealthy relationships (no regrets because I learned big lessons there, so I don’t feel like I’m just running away from something…).
2. What are the expected effects of this change? I expect to have the time and space to heal from this postpartum depression and get some additional support from my mom that I just don’t get from my in-laws. I expect that with a healthier me, we’ll have a healthier family. I expect to wrestle with a significant identity shift as I make this work to home transition. And I expect that the cut in income will be a challenge but not impossible. We agree on what’s important — the fam, not things — and I think we’ll feel better in the long run. I also think that this move and change will help with sig-o’s ego since he struggles with not currently being the main breadwinner of the family. Well, here’s your chance! So overall, I think the good outweighs the challenges to these changes.
3. Are you going about the change in a healthy way? This one is trickier for me. Who’s to say? I think we are since we are giving attention to our motives and have set our intentions. I’m trying to acknowledge and embrace the darkness so that positive change will dawn. But beyond that, I’m not really sure how to answer this question. Logistically speaking, making these kinds of changes all at once is messy so it feels like we could be doing a better job at it, but I’m not sure that’s totally possible or that it should even be a goal for us right now. We have a little bit of money stashed away — not much — and expect some more from taxes. So we could use this as a cushion to get us through this bumpy time, or I could keep on working (albeit at an expense to my health) and save all of that money as a down payment or something. I feel guilty if we aren’t saving it for the future, but I’m torn because I also feel grateful that we have this cushion to get us through this bumpy time. Is this a test from the universe to see how committed I am to this change? Am I willing to let go of that money and my fears to achieve the changes I’ve set out to make? Is that part of embracing the darkness? Let the old fall away to make way for the new…

Note: Here’s a link to a similar article by the same author (I want to give credit where credit is due). Enjoy!   http://www.yogajournal.com/wisdom/439