Tag Archives: thoughts

Te quiero Papi

10 Aug

Sometimes I get caught up in the everyday grind and forget to notice the small big things. Like what an amazing papi sig-o is to z-baby. I always knew he would be, but it’s a joy to see it in action. So just a quick post today to say, ¡Te queremos mucho, Papi!

Te quiero papi

Hecho por z-baby

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The new Vaca Loca

27 Feb

So waaaay back in August, I made the decision to stop blogging. More than anything I came to a point where I felt like I didn’t need to blog about postpartum depression anymore. I had gone off all my meds (with my doc’s blessing) and was feeling good and was ready to stop thinking about the postpartum as much as I could.

Six months later I’m happy to say that I’m still meds-free and feeling fine. I still think about the postpartum more than I’d like to… but I’ve come to accept that it’s just part of the fabric of who I am now and its remnants will likely always be there. And I’m ok with that.

But I miss my vaca loca. I miss the writing, the venting, the sharing. I follow a few other really great blogs and they’ve inspired me to get back at it (along with some prodding from my sister!).  So I’ve decided to re-invent this little blog. I have no idea what will end up here, but I look forward to finding out.

Half-way through the year…

16 Jul

July marks the year’s half-way point so I thought it appropriate to check in on my New Year’s intentions and see where things stand. Back on Jan 2, I posted a list of things I was grateful for the from the past year, things I wanted to leave behind this year, and things I welcomed in the new year and hoped to manifest. Here’s a quick update on where things stand:

Things I want to release and leave behind:

  • DepressionStill working on this one (mainly the anxiety). But moving in the right direction, so I feel good about it.
  • Fear of failure This is a biggie. I’ve made some recent decisions despite this fear… but does it ever go away?
  • Fear of taking risks to do what I want because it doesn’t seem to be the responsible or logical decision Took a major leap of faith this year despite logic and so far I still feel good about it. So not like me!
  • Disappointment in and anger at in-laws right after baby was born I guess I’m over this. Just putting it out there was probably enough to get it out of my system.
  • Unhealthy pattern of not exercising, eating out too muchMaking good headway here. We don’t eat out very much at all anymore and I’m cooking every day and walking almost every day. Just need to work more on the walking.

Things I welcome in the new year and wish to manifest:

  • Becoming a stay-at-home momAchieved. Wow. This was huge. Still set up to work part time but haven’t so far. Did I mention this is huge?
  • Healing from the postpartum depression — Actively working on it and feeling good about progress to date, especially in light of recent transitions.
  • Freedom from perceived dependency on current work situationSo. Damn. Free. Yes!
  • Continued financial stability for our familySo far, so good. Major changes, but we’re making it. One of my biggest worries still.
  • Trust in sig-o’s ability to provide for our family — I trust.
  • Starting my own business!Still not sure how to fit this in. There’s always time, I guess.
  • Another pregnancy, if that’s what the universe has in store for us — I’ve thought about it and just don’t know if I’m ready yet or not. But definitely not off the table for this year.
  • Health and wellness for the family — With the exception of a recent setback with my back, we’re doing great. Hope to keep it that way!

My kind of prayer

28 Jan

Sig-o had an interview this week in the city we’re trying to relocate to. He thinks it went well, and we’re hoping to find out something tomorrow. In the meantime, we had several hours of driving to talk and clear our heads and come to some decisions. For example, I decided once and for all that I am quitting my job. Putting in notice very soon. That’s huge. I feel at peace about it — it’s the right decision.

Now, don’t think I’m not nervous about what’s to come and how we’re going to pay the bills — I am. So I decided it’s time to have a little talk with the universe to release some of this anxiety and appeal for their guidance. It went something like this…

To all the goddesses, gods, beings, and spirits in this world and beyond… to my higher self, my teacher guide, and the universe… I call upon you all to thank you for your guidance and protection and to ask for your assistance once again.

Today I let go of the job that was making me miserable, the fear that kept me there so long, and the relationships that I felt I needed for security’s sake. I’m so proud of myself for doing something I should have a long time ago. I know you’re all probably smacking your foreheads and saying, “Finally! She finally got it!” So, yeah, I may be slow, but I’m still proud. Thank you for your patience and unwavering guidance through this process.

I ask for your continued guidance as we have some big changes on the horizon. We’re waiting to hear about sig-o’s job interivew. Is this the job for him? Is this the direction we’re supposed to be going in? We came up with a plan today in case this works out and it seemed almost too simple, where it seemed nearly impossible just the other day. So please let the result be the right thing for us. If it doesn’t work out we’ll know that there is a better option for us that’s still out there and that you will guide us in that direction. I promise to be as open as possible to hear and see what you’ve got to say, and am open to any serendipity you may have in store for me. I trust in you and I’m handing over my fears and anxiety about the future. I’m replacing them with peace that all will be well, abundant, and in our best interest. Thanks in advance.

PS: 10-4 on the message about managing money. I’m working on it!

A minute inside my head

17 Dec

A minute inside my head… not an exaggeration. This could be an excerpt of most any day at work. This is a hard post for me, but maybe it will help someone else see they’re not the only one with thoughts like these.

What was I doing? Oh yeah, looking at the data. So what’s interesting about this data? Where’s the baby? Was that the baby? Did the baby fall? What if the baby fell? What would I do? If he fell off the balcony of our stairs, would I jump after him? Any chance he’d survive a fall like that? Probably not. Then I would definitely jump. Did the baby fall? Images suddenly flash through my head of me getting cut by knives, or I cut myself while cooking. These images are disturbing, to say the least. They jolt me away from the images of my baby falling off the balcony. But then I have to bite my tongue or cheek or hit my foot against something hard to break away from the knife scenarios. What was I doing? Oh yeah, writing a manuscript. No, looking at the data. Right. So what’s interesting about this data? My god, I can’t concentrate on anything. I’m so going to lose my job. It’s not even that I don’t want to work, I can’t. I can’t do anything. What is wrong with me? I’m making a list of everything I have to do. The 15th version of this list. But I’m sure it has changed since the last time. Or maybe it hasn’t but I don’t have it with me so I need to make another one. Where’s my pen? I don’t have paper either? Damn. I forgot to pump. I’ll never get into the lactation room now. Why did they have to start a schedule for the room? What makes them so special that they need a schedule? Heart racing now from anger. I hate them. I do. No, I don’t. I don’t really hate anyone because I’d just be asking to be struck down by the universe. Maybe that would be better, anyways. Did I say that out loud? Geez, I might have. Could anyone hear me? Is my cellphone locked? Did I accidently call someone and they can hear everything right now? Where’s the baby? I wonder if he has eaten anything today? Is he crying? I swear I hear him crying. What was I doing? Oh yeah, looking at the data…