The moving saga…

That’s what it’s turning into. Let’s start at moving day. Woke up early but the movers were already stuck in traffic. Some friends were coming over to help with cleaning the house as we moved. They got stopped by the police on the way there and one of them was arrested and taken to jail for not carrying his license with him. That’s right. Jail. So sig-o goes off to bail him out while I wait on the movers, who get there almost 2 hours late. Kid gets bailed out, movers are rockin’ and things start looking up. Until the movers realize that not everything will fit in the truck. That’s right. So sig-o had to drive 4 hours back and find a pick-up to haul everything on a trailer the movers were going to lend to us. But the trailer ended up being too jacked up to make the long drive so now sig-o had to get a truck to move the rest of the stuff that didn’t fit. He was hoping to leave by 10am today but it’s now almost 10pm and he’s just leaving. To top it all off, he has to have the truck back by 8am tomorrow morning so he has to unload everything as soon as he gets here, maybe will get to sleep an hour, and then head straight back. We won’t get to spend the weekend together, and we’ll be apart for a month while he’s in training in another city. Lovely.

I haven’t had it much better. The night we moved in I had the bed all made up with clean sheets and blankets and z-baby puked all over them. So we slept on a quilt. The next morning he barfed all over that one, too. We headed to the shower where he slipped and fell, and then before I could get his diaper on him, he poo’ed all over the floor. That’s right. Straight onto the carpet. All the hub-bub had evidently taken it’s toll on the dog, because she then promptly vomited. On the carpet. We don’t have the washer and dryer hooked up yet so I spent my morning at the laundry mat. The last night, a friggin mosquito must have been in our room and I woke up with a ton of bites. Just lovely.

Sorry for the rant, but just had to get it out. This will all get better, right???

Where are the chains?

Tonight is my last night in our house before we make the big move. New city. New jobs. New life. Of course I’ve got some postpartum baggage I’m carrying along, but I’m hoping this move will prove to be cathartic in that arena, as well. So how am I feeling these days? Well, the moving part sucks! I moved around A LOT as a kid and this is the longest I’ve ever lived anywhere, so it’s emotionally different and GEEZ where did all this stuff come from??? Other than that I’m looking forward to the change with one exception — it’s really, really, really hard to leave friends behind this time. It’s never been much of an issue for me before, but now that I have a really great friend, part of me fully expects me to chain myself to my house’s front column tomorrow when the movers show up. A couple of friends came over with dinner tonight and I balled like a big baby when they left. I keep telling myself that with all of today’s technology, it will be easy to keep in touch, but that doesn’t make the sting any better. So ta-ta for now… my next post will be from our new place.

Fresh as a summer’s breeze

In preparation for our impending move, my house is very nearly all packed up. Just a few things left in the kitchen and on the walls. So when I went to give the baby a bath tonight, I realized that sig-o had packed up all his soap and bath supplies. I was left with three options: Head & Shoulders shampoo, tea tree oil and peppermint bath gel, or Summer’s Eve feminine wash. I went with the latter and lathered him up head to toe. I mean, it’s hypoallergenic, ph balanced, perfect for sensitive skin, and gynecologist tested. What else could you ask for in a baby wash?

I’m in here… somewhere

We spent this past weekend with my mom. Or I should say that sig-o and I sat on the sidelines while the grandparents played with the baby all weekend long. During our stay I noticed that the baby laughed so much more with them than when he’s with me. Is it a grandparent thing? A mom is good for milk but otherwise boring kind of thing? Or is it the postpartum depression?

See, that’s the cruel and frustrating thing (ok, one of many) about postpartum depression and anxiety…you have an altered sense of reality. At least I do. It’s hard to distinguish between normal anxiety and what can be attributed to the other. I don’t see the lines at all so I end up feeling like no cause for anxiety is normal, which can’t possibly be the case.

And take the example above. Would I even care about it if I didn’t have PPD/anxiety? Would I be  a different parent without it? Without question, yes! Of course I’d be a different parent. Maybe one that can make their kid cackle until they almost puke. As a new mom, it’s infuriating to know that the real you, the real parent, is in there somewhere…and we’re basically just biding time until we find them again. Again, the cruelty of PPD knows no bounds. So what happens to that “lost” time. We live it. Day by day, minute by minute, and try to squeeze out every grin and chuckle that we can.

Now’s not the time…or is it?

A while back, when I was probably at my lowest point with postpartum depression, my doc told me to hold tight, that it wasn’t the time for major changes. So I waited and secretly planned for changes anyway. And while it wasn’t what the doc ordered, I think it’s the best decision I’ve made in a long time. Ultimately, only time will tell, but I’ve been feeling better this week now that the changes are really starting to take action. Moving to a new city, rented our house, rented us a house, got a mover, almost entirely packed the house (thanks to sig-o), got the utility change-overs settled, and after much deliberation, quitting my job. I had given notice, but they asked me to stay and so I did for a while, but I’ve had enough and I don’t want all the changes we’re making to be tainted by old frustrations. Last week my anxiety had been through the roof and my doc gave me something to help me through the move. But it took me a few days to even the get the medicine and by the time I got it, I haven’t felt like I’ve needed — I’ve only taken it once. And yet I’ve been feeling great. I won’t say relaxed, but certainly more chill than I was. Which just makes me think that regardless of having postpartum depression or not, we know what’s best for us. And it’s up to us, and only us, to make decisions and take action to make our lives into what we want and what we need. I’m not saying it’s easy to do make changes, no matter how significant, but it could be just as important as the therapy, meds, etc… that we do to battle postpartum depression and anxiety. It’s all about taking care of ourselves and following our own intuition in the process. That’s what I’m trying to do, and so far…so good.

Afternoon anxiety

So I saw the doc this week and was very happy to be able to say that I feel like the depression is better. Now if we could just get the anxiety under control. I asked about the afternoon anxiety I’m experiencing. It could because of when I take my meds or could be everything going on right now or could be both. At any rate, she gave me a prescription for something to help me get through everything going on right now. But then I found out after my appointment that I did not, in fact, have the health insurance that  I was supposed to have now. So I can’t get the medicine. This weekend we’re packing. Like major packing. Leaving just the basics out. This is highly stress-provoking for me and I could really use the help right now. I’ve pretty much been totally overwhelmed this week. We signed a lease to rent our house out and applied and was approved was to rent a house where we’re relocating. Both are good things, but make this move so much more real. I do feel better being able to know and see where we’re going. But I can tell my head is overwhelmed and stretched too thin when I get frustrated over simple things with the baby. Like him wanting to be held all the time, not taking a nap, needing a diaper change. And I was feeling that today. Just frustrated and tired and paralyzed — I can’t concentrate on anything long enough to finish a task. We’ll soon be overtaken by all the laundry I haven’t done in weeks. I mean that literally. Totally overtaken. And naked… we’ll be naked when we’re overtaken because we’re running out of anything to wear! Headlines will read: Naked family of 3 and family dog swallowed alive by dirty laundry.

Can’t catch a break these days…

I feel like I can’t catch a break these days, and yet am still here treading water. We took off on a last minute trip this weekend to go find a new place to live where we’re relocating and I went off and left my meds at home. So again, several days with no meds. Now I’m an educated kind of gal… so why can’t I keep up with these damn meds?!? I see my doc this week (yay! for having health insurance again!) and I’m afraid to tell her that I’m a meds idiot. I guess I’ve just been worse about it with everything going on…anxiety is up these days and I’m more and more forgetful. I mean, I can barely finish a thought these days, let alone follow through with actual action. And yet despite all of this, I’m happy. It’s a weird place for me — high anxiety that can practically shut me down sometimes, yet I’m not feeling so depressed lately. I mean, I actually feel happy. I have hope. I want to have a garden this summer. And I can actually think about things in the future again… that’s gotta be some progress!!!

On a brighter note, I think we found a place to live.  Now I don’t feel so homeless when I’m packing… Yipee!!!