Ready or not?

When sig-o and I started talking about having a baby, we knew we wanted to — we just didn’t know when. So we waited. In fact, we waited 7 years. Then the miscarriage happened and our world shattered. It took us nearly two years t0 pick up the pieces and decide to try again. We set a date. And before that date rolled around (and while still on birth control!), I got pregnant with z-baby. Things were good, and then the postpartum depression/anxiety/OCD set in. It has been 8 months now since I first got help and I’ve been feeling really good lately. So good that we’ve been talking about trying to get pregnant again.

Sig-o is ready. I, however, have pretty mixed feelings about the whole thing. We’re in the window we had originally set to try for a second to get the spacing we wanted (between 2 and 3 years). And there are days when I feel like I can handle the pregnancy, morning sickness and all (with a little help from Zofran, that is). But then there’s part of me that wonders what the hell I would do if I had to go on bedrest again. How would I care for z-baby? And then there are days I’m convinced there’s no way on earth I could possibly care for more than one kid at a time. And then there’s the biggie — what if I get postpartum depression again?

So will I ever be ready again and how do you know if you’re ready to jump in again? The first time, despite trying for a long time, I have to admit that I didn’t really feel totally ready. But I felt more ready than not and decided that was good enough and that we just had to do it.  And maybe that’s the feeling I’m going for this time, too. Perhaps not feeling 100% ready is a good sign… an awareness and acknowledgement of just how much work is involved. So maybe it will be time again when I have more days when I feel like I can handle it all than days when the idea feels totally overwhelming. I don’t have all the answers yet, but I guess we could figure them out along the way just like we did this time. As far as the postpartum depression goes…I feel more prepared and more supported than I did before and I know that it’s survivable. That in itself it important.

So am I ready for another go at parenthood? Maybe not just yet, but I’m getting pretty close…

Cuteness abounds

I love my little z-baby. Sometimes I feel like I could just burst from his cuteness. Like…

…when he gingerly pats me on the back as I carry him around.

…when he trys to wake me up in the mornings by poking my eyes out and giving me a dental exam.

…when he stops in the middle of nursing just to applaud.

…when he hears his papi come in the door and raises his eyebrows and scrunches his mouth into a tiny “o”.

…when he tries to hug the dog.

…when he winks his little double-eye wink.

What can I say? Life is good.

Half-way through the year…

July marks the year’s half-way point so I thought it appropriate to check in on my New Year’s intentions and see where things stand. Back on Jan 2, I posted a list of things I was grateful for the from the past year, things I wanted to leave behind this year, and things I welcomed in the new year and hoped to manifest. Here’s a quick update on where things stand:

Things I want to release and leave behind:

• Depression — Still working on this one (mainly the anxiety). But moving in the right direction, so I feel good about it.
• Fear of failure — This is a biggie. I’ve made some recent decisions despite this fear… but does it ever go away?
• Fear of taking risks to do what I want because it doesn’t seem to be the responsible or logical decision — Took a major leap of faith this year despite logic and so far I still feel good about it. So not like me!
• Disappointment in and anger at in-laws right after baby was born — I guess I’m over this. Just putting it out there was probably enough to get it out of my system.
• Unhealthy pattern of not exercising, eating out too much — Making good headway here. We don’t eat out very much at all anymore and I’m cooking every day and walking almost every day. Just need to work more on the walking.

Things I welcome in the new year and wish to manifest:

• Becoming a stay-at-home mom — Achieved. Wow. This was huge. Still set up to work part time but haven’t so far. Did I mention this is huge?
• Healing from the postpartum depression — Actively working on it and feeling good about progress to date, especially in light of recent transitions.
• Freedom from perceived dependency on current work situation — So. Damn. Free. Yes!
• Continued financial stability for our family — So far, so good. Major changes, but we’re making it. One of my biggest worries still.
• Trust in sig-o’s ability to provide for our family — I trust.
• Starting my own business! — Still not sure how to fit this in. There’s always time, I guess.
• Another pregnancy, if that’s what the universe has in store for us — I’ve thought about it and just don’t know if I’m ready yet or not. But definitely not off the table for this year.
• Health and wellness for the family — With the exception of a recent setback with my back, we’re doing great. Hope to keep it that way!

And yet…

I’ve still been settling in after the big move. I haven’t written anything here lately because the move and all our life transitions have required more attention than I expected, more time to get my feet underneath me again. And quite frankly, I haven’t had anything to say — I’ve been bored by my own depressed voice. Overall I seem to be doing better though. And yet…

… And yet I still have to break the day up into chunks to get through it.

… And yet when I go to the pool with z-baby I’m blind-sided by a mom who is amazingly chipper and interactive with her baby. I thought I was doing well until I saw her. I know, know… I shouldn’t be comparing myself to anyone else, but it still puts things into perspective for me. I look at my little z-baby and it makes me sad to think that I’m not giving him everything that I could. Still a ways to go, I guess…

… And yet I find myself pacing all of a sudden if sig-o is the slightest bit late from work, if I start thinking about all of the crap I usually try to avoid, or if I just find myself at a point during the day when I don’t know what the hell to do.

… And yet I still stress and have to make myself leave the house some days to do things I’ve planned and wanted to do.

… And yet I still have hope that this will all get better and sense that it’s slowly happening.